I haven't posted in ages. I have really missed writing. A lot has happened in my life since my last post, but I have no intention of going into detail about it.
I believe in being honest about my struggles as a Christian. I'm not always good at it when I'm surrounded by people who seem to have it all together. But tonight, I'm being honest.
I've learned how to be optimistic in situations that seem hopeless. I've learned to live my life with joy and hope and peace. 2011 was a bad year. We were faced with all kinds of unexpected obstacles. And I let the pain of all of my trials overcome me. I let myself fall apart and eventually my joy diminished. I allowed Satan to whisper discouragement into my heart and eventually I began to believe all the lies. I slowly but surely separated myself from God. I was so frustrated in my disappointments that I couldn't even bring myself to express my hurt to Him. I prayed less and eventually quit praying altogether. We quit going to church. I quit reading my Bible. I just became so distant from God that it was practically impossible to see Him working in my life or to hear His voice.
Now, I want to make it clear that I never doubted Him. Honestly. I didn't. I KNEW He was still there, still loving me, still working. But because of that separation and lack of intimacy, I wasn't experiencing Him.
2012 came and life was still not what I'd hoped it would be. I promised myself that I was not going to allow Satan to have his grip on my attitude anymore. I failed miserably because I still was not connecting with God.
Tonight, more than halfway through the year, I find myself with more hope than I had even just a few days ago. I'm not anywhere close to where I would like to be. But I realize that God hasn't forsaken me. He's been there all along. He's continually pursued me with a love that I cannot comprehend. Despite my pessimism and fear, He's kept on working in my life. Loving me the exact way He created me. Clumsy and uncoordinated, stubborn and difficult, bossy and opinionated. God loves me despite all of that! I know that He has a plan and a purpose for my life through all of the difficulties, all of my mistakes.
I have absolutely no idea where my life is headed. The future is unsure (and I HATE not knowing, not having a plan). But I'm not going to continue looking in the rear view mirror. I'm not going to worry about the things I can't go back and change. I'm accepting that I may not be where I'd like to be, but I'm where I need to be in this season of my life. I know that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and fail God. I'm not going to live up to His standards. I won't even come close. But I'm going to face the day with thankfulness and optimism that no matter what I'm faced with, everything will work out. I will rest in faith that though I fail, God loves me. Though I have a LONG way to go and I know it's not going to happen over night, I'm not where I was yesterday or the day before or a year ago.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of
peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a
hope. Jeremiah 29:11
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