Jared

On Saturday, September 13, 2014 my family received unbearable news. Derek's only cousin on his mom's side was killed in a car accident. He was only a few minutes from arriving home.

Jared was 19.

It's been 5 days. The funeral was yesterday. There were more than 500 people at visitation on Tuesday and nearly 400 at the funeral.

It still just feels like a horrible nightmare. I can't believe it's reality. The last few days have been a blur.

I was fortunate enough to have Jared enter my life when he was about 7 years old when I began attending the church his family belonged to. As time progressed, I met and fell in love with his cousin. And so Jared became a big part of my life forever. He was the ring bearer at our wedding. I watched him grow up. I watched him make mistakes. I saw him love life. And Jesus and his family and friends. He had such a sweet, caring heart. He was ornery and silly and stubborn. He had a smile that could absolutely melt your heart. Typical Thompson.

Just before Derek and I got married, we lost Derek's Nana. She had been in the hospital for a little while before she passed away and I had been by the gift shop. I made comment in passing about a bear that I thought was cute. And Jared heard me. He did all that he could to convince his dad that he needed to get me that bear. And sure enough, just a little while later it was presented to me.

As a family, we will never be the same. As individuals, we'll forever be changed. Losing Jared is truly the most difficult death I've ever experienced. Our world has been shaken to the core. It makes us all reflect on our own lives. Are we living? Are we loving? Are we embracing every moment of our lives, joyful or painful? Are we trusting our God to use every situation for good? Are we influencing others towards grace?

As time passes, we'll learn to move on and somehow get through life without him. But one thing is for sure, we'll see him again one day. His testimony of love, grace, and redemption will live on through those he leaves behind. We choose joy for the life he lived and grateful hearts for the time we had with him.

Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time And then vanishes away. James 4:14

He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. 1 John 5:12

Perfection is the Enemy

I'm a mess.

I'm broken.

I'm imperfection at its best.

I do not have it together.

I have always had this picture in my mind of what I want people to see in me, of what grace and beauty and joy look like. The image of a true Proverbs 31 woman. And I strive on a daily basis to obtain what seems like an impossible goal. The harder I try, the further away I find myself from that lovely, patient woman who wakes up early and makes sure her family has a hot meal to start the day, clean clothes, all the chores are complete. She knows how to keep her mouth shut at the right times yet has the exact words her husband needs to hear when his heart needs encouragement. She has what seems to be a never-ending energy and is constantly productive but she also finds time to steal away and fill up on the goodness of God. The image she projects in public is one her family can be proud of.

I so desperately want to be that kind of woman.

But I'm not.

Some days I'm moody, unmotivated, impatient, just all-around unpleasant. (Just ask my husband!) I try my very best to hide my not-so-together days from the world but I'm certain I fail that as well.

I am making an effort to grow into that beautiful woman, but I'm learning that it isn't going to happen overnight. You see, I NEED my failures and lessons to teach me how to do better. I also need to understand that even though I fail at perfection, I am loved by the Perfect One. And I don't need to be perfect because He is. One of the most amazing things that I have learned in the past few years is that God created me.

Ok, I know what you're thinking. Of course God created me. But my point is that He knows exactly what  He's getting because He created me. He created every single aspect that makes me who I am. My love for ghost stories, my sarcasm, the difficulty I have sticking to a project, my OCD tendancies, the battles I have with depression on occasion.  God knows all about all those things. And He STILL LOVES ME!!

Gosh, that just blows me away. How despite my flaws, God still loves me. And He loves your flaws, too.

I'm finding that the more I own up to my failures, the greater love I can give to others. The more I fail, the more I love. Because it's really easy to judge someone else when you don't admit your imperfections, but when you choose to admit you're broken, your ability for compassion increases and you can give grace to others. And I honestly feel like God loves me even more when I fall. Because it's in those moments that I need it more. Don't you agree? We need more love at our weakest moments.

I know that in this life, I will never be able to live up to that image of perfection that I have. I am trying to listen to what God has to say about what He wants from me. I don't necessarily have to be on top of everything all the time and be the happy little homemaker that Proverbs 31 woman seems to be. I'm almost certain she was flawed, too.

I'm beginning to see that what God is calling me to do is not hold myself to an impossible standard of perfection. But He wants me to do everything I need to do with grace and love and joy. And to know that it's ok to admit I'm a mess. That's when God can do the most work in me.

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.
Proverbs 31:30 HCSB

Difference Maker

I am a Christian, a Christ Follower. That means I try to live a life by the standards Jesus taught. If asked, I absolutely will not deny it. However, I try to make a conscious effort to not go around shouting it to everyone I meet, saying 'Look at me, I'm a Christian.' I want people to know it by the way I treat them, not because I told them. There are many who say it but have no evidence to back it up.

Unfortunately, in the society we live in, being a Christian is not exactly noble these days. Non-Christians see us as judgemental hypocrites. Part of that, I think, is because the standards laid out in the Bible don't usually line up with the standards of society. And many Christians, in my opinion, forget the message Jesus brought to us and are more concerned with how others see them than they are with doing what's right.

I am by no means perfect. I fail every single day. I make mistakes and sometimes when you see me, I may not look like Jesus. You may see me with a bad attitude or you may hear me say ugly things. You may even see me in places that a "Christian" should not be. I don't read the Word every day. And "Gasp!" I'm not in church everytime the doors are opened!

What makes me a Christian, a Christ Follower, is that I have accepted the truth of God's never-ending grace. God, the Creator of the Universe, cannot tolerate sin. He's just that Awesome. So we sinners can't spend eternity with God. Following me so far? Well, in His infinite LOVE for us, He made a way for us to have opportunity to make eternity with Him possible. He presented His PERFECT Son as the sacrifice to take on all of the world's sins. Yeah, He GAVE His ONLY Son for us!
So all I have to do to become a Christian, a Christ Follower, is accept that truth. That's it! God loves me. Period. I've called on His name and now I'm saved from an eternity separated from Him. I don't have to do anything else for Him to love me. THAT'S the beauty of grace. I didn't earn it. He just offered it up and I grabbed a hold of it.

Now, for the whole reason I even began writing this in the first place. The message of the Cross, everything the Bible points us to, is LOVE. God loves us. All of us. The ones who believe in Him and the ones who don't. The ones who TRY to live His standards and the ones who don't. As a matter of fact, the people Jesus spent most of His time with were the sinners, the outcasts, the unloveable.

So tell me, Christian, Christ Follower, are you loving like Jesus loves? Are you encouraging those who need encouragement? Are you accepting those who need acceptance? Or maybe you're the one judging? Assuming you know someone's heart or intentions? My prayer is that we can see people the way Jesus sees them. And that rather than boast about what we do, we boast about what He has done for us and what He can do for those who don't know yet.

In the end, just love!

He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. (1 John 4:8)

Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:8)

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

Let all that you do be done with love. (1 Corinthians 16:14)

These Hard Times

February 22, 2013 marks the thirteenth anniversary of the day my Astrocytoma / Glioma was removed. It has been a long time since that day and I don't typically spend a lot of time thinking about that period of my life.

I had horrible headaches everyday. (I'm reluctant to call them migraines but I guess that's what they really were.) I'd go to school and by the time I got home I was in so much pain I could barely function. Somehow I managed to keep up with my school work, but as soon as it was finished I was in bed. I did see my doctor and was prescribed pain pills. They didn't help. This went on for months.  Then the migraines stopped.

Life went back to normal for a short while and then the headaches returned. Back to the doctor. Tests showed no cause. Attempted another preventative prescription that basically wiped me out and I felt worse taking it than without it.

Back to the doctor. Time for an MRI.
It was scheduled for a Tuesday in January. After it was over, I went home, expecting to hear results in a couple of days. My doctor called that afternoon. He needed to see us immediately.

Mom, Dad, and I listened to the news. I had a brain tumor. I remember hearing those words and not feeling anything. It took a while to sink in.

I was scheduled to see a neurologist the next day. He told us that he would not feel comfortable performing surgery due to the location of the tumor. He recommended we see a neurologist in Memphis. I had an appointment the next week.

We made the 5 hour drive and the doctor told me the tumor was not the source of my headaches. It had probably started growing when I was just a few years old, but wasn't large enough to cause the pain I was in. It wasn't necessary to remove it now, but would be eventually.

I was convinced now was the time to get it out! Why wait?

Surgery was scheduled 5 weeks from the day I found out I had cancer.

My family and I arrived in Memphis the day before surgery. I don't remember much about that day. The next day, my sister (who was due to have my niece 2 weeks later) arrived to be there as well. We were at the LeBohneur Children's Hospital at 6:00am. They began preparing me for surgery around 1:00. That was a long day of waiting. Before I was rolled in to the Operating Room, I was given a few minutes with my parents.

I remember counting down from 100 as the anesthesiologist was putting me under. I may have made it to 97... Ha! It was very quick. The next thing I remember is being in the recovery room making every attempt to open my eyes. I remember my aunt and uncle coming in to see me. I was in the hospital for 5 more days. I remember having tunnel vision for a few days and not being able to see well. I watched the Wizard of Oz and talked to my boyfriend on the phone. The first meal I ate was chicken nuggets and Reese's. My little brother was worried that I wouldn't be able to talk again. I had several visitors drive to Memphis to see me. A friend of a friend who worked at St. Jude sent me muffins. It's funny the things that I can recall about that week.

We left on Sunday. A 5 hour drive on I-40.

I went back a month later for a follow-up. Everything was good. The tumor was benign. I made many trips back to Memphis over the next ten years. I'd see my surgeon and have MRIs at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital just to make sure the cancer would not return. Eventually I quit seeing my surgeon and would just go to St. Jude. After ten years of being cancer free, I was released from care of the hospital. That was a sweet, sweet day.

St. Jude will forever hold a special place in my heart. We never received a bill. The entire staff is nothing but optimistic and treats every family with kindness and respect. Though I am no longer a patient there, my relationship with the hospital will never end. I have the pleasure of participating in a lifelong study with them. I voluntarily will subject myself to a list of tests in order to further the research. It is because of this hospital that so many miracles occur.

After 13 years, I still endure headaches on occasion. After surgery and in the follow-up process, I was eventually diagnosed with a combination of migraines and cluster headaches (I will get them regularly for several days or weeks, then may not have any at all for months). However, these headaches are NOTHING compared to pre-surgery ones. There will never be enough words to express my gratitude for that season. The people who walked by my side, though many are no longer a part of my life, are truly cherished. My experience was nothing compared to so many patients I met along the way. I was taught a valuable lesson about how precious life is. My heart is forever grateful!